The Ice Pirates (1984)

As far as bad Star Wars ripoffs go, The Ice Pirates has got to be the worst of the bunch. There are slapstick robots, pirates complete with fake looking swords and bad fight scenes, and one of the most retarded deus ex machinas I’ve ever seen. I can handle ’80s cheese and sometimes I downright love it, but this film reaches levels of stupidity far beyond my tolerance. I like Howard the Duck for crap sake! If that doesn’t tell you how bad this film is, I don’t know what will.

In a future where water has become a valuable commodity, think Waterworld in space, a princess purchases two captured pirates pretending to be uniqes and they set out for the mythical lost planet that is full of water. Robert Urich is the less charming and less handsome Han Solo character Jason and Mary Crosby plays the spoiled Princess Leia…I mean Karina. Performances from a young Anjelica Houston and Ron Perlman may bring a little smirk to your face, but these familiar faces add little more than that to the film.

The filmmakers throw in some lingo about time travel and the like, no doubt to make it sound more sci-fi, but the science in this film is just about as ridiculous as everything else. Just look at the last 15 minutes or so — when our heroes are approaching the planet in a specific warp path that is the only access to said planet; and if they deviate from this course they will be suspended in time forever (whatever that means). As they’re flying through the time warp, time starts to speed up in increments passing years and years in a few seconds. The princess finds out she’s pregnant, having slept with Jason in your standard gratuitous ’80s sex scene, gives birth, and watches her son grow before her eyes (into a spitting image of Jason no less) as she and the rest of the crew age considerably while fighting the pursuing Templars with plastic swords. But then they come out of the warp and they’re young again and everything’s fine because it never happened, or something. Like I said, retarded.

Everyone cheers and I could finally turn off this awful film.

Grade: D

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *